I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
