I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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