Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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