If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
