i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
