I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
