I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
