I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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