Yo dont text me then not text me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
