i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
