Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
