Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
