so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need to calm my uterus...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
