After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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