So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize