He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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