watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Randomize