If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize