Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
