also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
