My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize