He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
