plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
