When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize