Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
