You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
