I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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