you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
