Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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