it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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