to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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