My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize