so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
