Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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