2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
