last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
