ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
