"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
