Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
