So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
