he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
