I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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