Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Still dying that you shit outside
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
