I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
