farters have to be the big spoon...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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