i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize