if only i could text you this smell
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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