So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize