My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
