Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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