I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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