Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
