Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
