I am spending my child support on dildos
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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