she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
