On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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