have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
this hospital has no fireball
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
